-from The Life and Times of Thep Almet, volume 4
…and so it came to be that ThepAlmet awoke that fateful morn and strode with manly confidence into to the kitchen of his humble castle. The female-folk already there were all abuzz, speaking in amused, but appropriately hushed whispers behind discretely placed hands, as women are wont to do.
The energy of the room was palpable. Of course being who he was, Thep was used to his arrival sending waves of excitement crashing through assemblies of persons both big and small. But even so, this seemed different to Thep’s keenly tuned senses. Something had happened. Something big. Something monumental.
Thep stopped the Lady of the castle, the beautiful and talented Mrs Thep, and asked her what had everyone so agitated so early this fine morning. The Lady smiled a most intoxicating smile, and said," Come husband and see what you have wrought." She took him by the hand and led him to a low counter where several small containers were arranged.
Thep dared a thought. Had it happened? Is it possible?
In the small containers was soil. Soil that Thep himself had packed into the containers with his own bare hands. Thep was a gentleman, but he was not above dirtying his hands with common work. A man should keep himself busy. Thep was no stranger having sweat upon his brow.
But now he hesitated. It was not something Thep did often, but in this he was momentarily uncertain. It was such an ambitious endeavor. Was one man enough? What if it didn’t work?
Thep laughed. Fear was for lesser men than he. If this attempt had failed, he would simply try again. And again. And again. Thep was nothing if he was not persistent. He would simply impose his will over all of nature if need be.
A moment of self reflection. Not fear. A true man should be able take stock of himself at any moment. Even now. No, Thep was not afraid. And he would not fail.
He looked down.
And in the center of most of the containers a fragile green shoot had emerged from the soil.
Thep was overcome, and sank to his knees. Tears came, involuntarily, and he raged joyously.
" I HAVE BEATEN YOU DEATH! I HAVE PIERCED YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLE VEIL AND SNATCHED LIFE FROM YOUR BONY HANDS AND PUT IT FORTH UNTO MY LAND! I HAVE CONSPIRED WITH JALA THE GOD OF VEGETABLES AND PENO THE GODDESS OF ALL THINGS SPICY AND DRIVEN YOU BACK TO YOUR ACURSED LAIR!!! I, THEPALMET, HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY BREATHED LIFE INTO EXISTANCE WHERE BEFORE THERE WAS NONE!!! I DUG THE DIRT!!! I PLANTED THE SEED!!! I WATERED THE SEED!!! I GAVE LIFE PURCHASE ON THE SILL OF MY SOUTH FACING WINDOW AND YOU WERE POWERLESS TO STOP ME!!! BEGONE DEATH YOUR GRIM POWER NO LONGER HOLDS SWAY OVER MY KINGDOM!!!
And then Thep went and posted about it on social media.
I planted some jalapenos. And I’m pretty stoked.